What is the purpose of all?

..if it all comes out flat, leading you in the ground, hitting the floor and crying out loud?

My entire today has been horrible, one of the horrible ones, in a while. The problem has been with money, and the fact that I got sudden bad decrease in income, which basically throws off bad way. 

Funniest thing is, that ever since, I became a mother, I usually started to think - if this happen, it has to make me a bad mother or that what my beloved son, will think of me, if he sees my world shake under my feet, and despite all my efforts - I broke up crying?

I have had some hard time lately, which I rarely, true, speak to anyone. In a way, I feel, that if I speak, everyone will point at me, laugh and say "You are so pathetic, stop complaining." I think, in a way, that's because of my past experiences with bullying. I've been put down, my whole life - and yet, I've fought hard to stand on my both feet. I fall down, and I pull myself back up - even when most of the times, I feel like - why to bother anymore?

I know, I've come a long way - from the person, I was before. I was never exactly a happy kid. I'm the eldest of two, but have felt, ever since my sister was born - that I've been raised in her shadow. When I was the horrible, miss behaving kid, she was the angel and perfect child. I know, I did rebel a lot - I have yelled, screamed and called my own parents and sister by horrible names (and got it equally back as well.). No one really understood what was going on, and I was send to see a psychiatrist, who even these days are puzzled - why do I need one? All they see, is completely sane young girl, who just had very rough life - that has left a big affect on her. True, there was also autism and ADHD, not to mention PTSD.

Is there stuff I regret? A lot. There is actually many things, I wish I wouldn't remember. Many feelings, I wish I wouldn't had felt. Some feelings, I cannot even feel. Why? I was abused as a child, mentally. And the imprint of that... I don't even want to think about it. 

I keep a lot inside of me, and I have bad problems on opening up. I know, that it beats me hard. In the end, I know, I end up crying in my bed - asking "Why me? Why am I still alive? What am I doing wrong, that everyone hates me?". I never get answer, and I don't think my friends really understand - how much I go through. I've had quite many depressive episodes, really bad ones too - mainly caused, because I'm diabetic. You would think, pathetic isn't she?

Think again. I got this illness, by not asking it. My body failed, and started acting against itself. I live, by injecting stuff on myself. I don't like it, it feels horrible. And that simple little thing, seems to run my entire life. How many times, I've heard "you can't have this and this, unless you get all in order?" - well, I've asked for help, extremely lately, and get shoved down to throat. Then I come home, and end up crying in the floor, since I feel like dying, and I don't want to. Not yet. I have my son, I want to be there for him.

Basically - I'm juggling with two thoughts. On the other hand, I wish I would die - but on the other - I want to live, and be there for my son. That one, do always win, and I usually hit myself to head couple of times, reminding not to be selfish. It is others, before yourself, right?

And now, I've been rambling off, from the topic I meant, but the money issue seems to be solving. Hopefully. I just wish, my own mood would become slightly better. It is, what I wish for now anyway. If it gets better, all should be fine, huh? Or am I fooling myself now?

Today's Song